The Decisions We Make

I love movies that involve time travel. Always have. The idea of warping time to "go" somewhere is fascinating to me. Parallel universes...alternate universes...destiny...God's will...fate...I could think about it all day! The Time Machine (the old one) and the Back to the Future movies rank high on my list of favorites. (I loved the little tiny pizza the futuristic McFlys put in the oven and presto, a big pizza comes out. I think we need that now!)

It's easy to think "what if". What if I didn't go to college where I did? What if I studied psychology instead of business? What if I'd joined a different sorority? What if I'd moved out of state after college? What if I didn't get married? What if I didn't have kids? What if I'd had more kids? What if that Pentagon assignment hadn't fell through when Ken was in the Air Force? Would he still be in D.C. now? What if he'd found someone else? (Gag, I can't even think about it! Stay away from my man! LOL)

But you know what? What really helps is to remember this: all paths lead to my family I have now. I couldn't imagine a life without my wonderful husband and my little boy, and my fantastic parents. I'm so blessed that I live so near my parents, since I know so many that don't, or like Ken, don't have either one of his parents living anymore. Sometimes I feel bad that we don't live near any of his family, but like most families, we're all spread out. Lots of my favorite people in the world are family members that are hundreds and hundreds of miles away. But that's our world now. We live in a big country! Society is such that people move for jobs. Hey, if Ken hadn't done that, I would have never have met him. Is it fate? Destiny? God's will?

Sometimes I wish we could just have everybody in the same town like you see in old movies. But then again, that's me with my movies again! I think the secret is, to just enjoy the here and now, and what you have. Sometimes it's hard to do that...it's easy to look "outward" and think "oh, I wish I had that" or "I wish I was like her" etc.

I wonder what God thinks of that. If Seth would say "I don't like myself, I wish I was like so-and-so", I'd just freak out! Does God freak out when we keep saying "what if" and "I wish" and "Shoulda/woulda/coulda"?? He probably thinks, "Good grief, I've given you SO many gifts! Look around and be happy!" Sometimes I think we need to make a deliberate decision to be "in the now" and appreciate our gifts.

I have trouble with this sometimes....I get caught up trying to improve the house so much, or focus on how busy *I* am with everything...sometimes I forget how incredibly blessed I really am! I have a husband that is handsome :) , hard-working, smart, loving, kind, and a wonderful husband and dad to his family. But of course, sometimes I focus on the fact that he's too busy or too tired. Well gee, I guess working full-time in telecom company (that's laying off people again) while going to college full-time while being a dad and husband tends to make a life sort of busy and yes, tiring! And yes, I'm picking up the slack. Yes, I get tired and frustrated. But this is a very busy season in our lives. Sometimes if I step back (like today), I feel so much better...I can see the forest for the trees!

I think the happier you are with yourself, the less "what-iffy" you are. When I was going through the post-partum depression, man, was I "what-iffy"!! What if I'd just go find a deserted cabin in the Rockies and what if I just stayed there by myself for a year or five! I don't really do that as much now, unless I'm just in a down mood. Guess that's normal. But then again, what's normal anyways? I think it's overrated.

People wonder about "God's will" versus fate/destiny, etc. I think it's all intertwined. I think if you think you're a big loser in life and you'll never amount to anything....well, I don't think you'll be very happy and your "fate" won't be that positive. I think if you pray and learn about God's will, He'll guide your path and your decision making. Come on, we've all made decisions where later we'd say, " I *knew* I shouldn't have done that! I had a feeling!" I think that's the Holy Spirit. We know. We know more than we think. We're smarter than we think sometimes. I don't think we're just free-floating through life and gee life hits us and wow we're knocked down and gee I can't do anything about it. I honestly think there IS a "big plan". Garth Brooks sings that "one of God's greatest gifts is unanswered prayer". Well, I don't think it's actually unanswered....it's answered in a different way than we'd like!

Yes, things happen. Accidents. Lay-offs. Those are outward things. Then there's the inward things...the decisions we made that maybe we shouldn't have....BUT, isn't it all leading toward where you are now? Guess that can be good OR bad!

I think it all works out. Sure, if I would have mapped out my life while I was in college, I'd be product manager for Tide at Procter & Gamble right now, driving a black BMW and of course, I'd be really skinny. haha Would I trade that life for mine now? Not in a million years! I am so blessed with my little "three in the family"...I may not have a BMW, but I have the coolest Beetle around and even if I'd win the lottery (which is hard if you don't buy tickets, haha) I'd keep my Herbette. (Now she might get new floor mats and a custom cyber-green dash insert, though.)

Now that I think about it, I'm really proud of the decisions I've made over the years. Yes, sometimes it's hard, sometimes it's busy, sometimes it's frustrating....but I could never be happy in a different life. I have an overall inward peace about me that's really comforting. I'm not saying everything is always perfect. But I think since we've decided to really try to walk in God's will, I've felt more at peace with things. (Tithing is a big part...that was hard at first but second-nature now). Our son is such an empathetic, caring little boy. He told me recently (out of the blue) that he believes in God and Jesus, and he wants everybody to love God and Jesus. I mean, COME ON! How cool is THAT! Boy, did my personal Mom-o-meter just go up in my mind!

Of course, then about five minutes later he's jumping on the bed like a gangly little monkey and leaping off and running down the hall waving his arms in the air yelling "Baaaaaaaa!". *sigh* Oh well. He's 7. Whaddaya gonna do?

Would I trade him for the world? Naaah!

I'm sure glad I said "yes" to going out with that handsome telecom engineer in 1990. I think that was a good decision. Honey, if you're reading this....I love you, big guy. You are my density. :)