So Tired

Actually got up this morning for a walk! Hauled myself outside since I'd weighed myself and saw that I'd gained 4 pounds in ONE WEEK. Man, I was doing so good losing weight little by little, too. Why on earth does it take weeks and weeks to lose 4 pounds, but one freakin' week to gain them back?!

As soon as my shoes hit the cement (literally) I felt better. Had an old 90s-music tape in, so that sort of pepped me up a little (even though I'm more of an 80s-music gal). I wish I had the cash for an iPod...dealing with old tapes and CDs while walking is a pain. (Two separate players are a pain, too...can't switch to CD without switching the whole player.)

Felt great...went up "The Hill" with no problem, worked up a sweat...got home in plenty of time to get myself (and Seth) ready for church.

But....there's always a "but"....

...got home and found that half the contents of the fridge was on the counter...guess the boys were tired of trying to figure out where a strange smell was coming from (garbage disposer? trash? fridge?).

SO. (Do you hear a big, heaving sigh? That's me.)

Being a perfectionist I am (that doesn't even BEGIN to be perfect at ANYTHING), the "wife" part of me took over...never mind that I didn't have time...never mind that I could have left it for later...I felt like a failure because I hadn't figured it out yet and it came down to my husband emptying out the fridge for me. It was strange because I'm usually really good about either sealing stuff up or cleaning out old stuff. (I mean, hey, Tupperware seals that stuff in, so even if you forget out it, no one has to know. hehe)

The culprit was a bowl of cut-up cooked potatoes that I hadn't gotten around to mashing...I'd thrown them in an older Tupperware bowl for later and the bowl got pushed to the back over time. Unfortunately, a few days ago, the lid must have popped off and our smell ordeal began. Now it's over. Well, hallelujah. The bonus to all this is, that our fridge hasn't been that cleaned up in a long time. I was so frustrated, though, that I was actually crying during the clean-up! I mean, COME ON, it's Sunday morning, and I actually exercised and felt great....I should have been on top of the world! Instead I'm sponging out the stupid refrigerator (and of course, broke a piece of a shelf during the process).

But that's just my life lately, it seems. One step forward, two steps back.

I'm beginning to think there's something wrong with me, that I can't just ever relax when I'm at home. Sundays....a day of rest? Yeah, right! Not for me. I just can't sit there while there's stuff to do. Or if I do try to relax, I stress about all I'll have to do later, so it doesn't do much good.

I mean, it's really weird. I can only truly relax if everything's done....and you know the saying, "there's always something to do". So where does that leave ME?! There's been a few rare moments where the house is clean, laundry's done, projects are done, etc. and I really do feel relaxed. I sort of sigh and just enjoy reading and being in that clean, perfect place! (And of course, there's always a candle or some kind of fragrance/scent I've put out.) God forbid I should actually play the piano or flute...or gasp!...even get out the clarinet or violin and try (again) to learn more than the first 2 pages of a beginner's book. It never lasts. I just can't enjoy sitting there when there's toys all over the place....dishes in the sink (that's right there, not hidden by a wall or anything), etc. I envy people that can do that, I really do.

I've tried....I've tried doing a whirlwind cleaning to get it all done...I've tried schedules...but it never fails, something always comes up that wrecks the cleaning or the (rare) relaxing time afterwards. Something will break. Cats will get sick. Boy will be upset. Somebody needs something. Out of paper towels...whatever! Maybe I'm just not organized enough. I've tried hounding the smallest occupant of this house to keep the toys out of the way. (He's doing a good job now, actually.) I've tried just to "forget it" and "relax anyway". Nope. Can't.

So I'm just resigned to the fact that, especially this next year, I'm going to be tired. I'm going to not relax much. I need to accept it and deal with it. I just need to get through this year. It's almost 1/6th over. Once Ken is through with school in December, HOPEFULLY, we'll all be able to get back to a "normal" life again. I mean, I hate to gripe, I'm not the one going to school and doing the work....BUT.... I *am* taking up the slack at home.